Lytspeed's Creativity Journal

It dawned on me over the weekend that inadequacy seems to have been a personal theme in my life. I'm not talking about anyone else's inadequacy, but my own. It surfaces in my poetry, my music, and my relationships.

Poetry and music are good places to deal with the concept of inadequacy. Relationships are not, and that is where the reality of inadequacy has been most painful. My first two marriages failed, largely because I did not have the ability to set appropriate boundaries when I needed to. I did some things I would never do in a healthy headspace and I allowed some things to happen that I never should have allowed, all in the interest of keeping the peace and avoiding confrontation.

Now, I'm considering another marriage. Lannette says that I am the love of her life, and that she has never been happier than she is with me. Her family seems to approve of me, too. She says that I am far from inadequate, but the self-doubt remains, despite her assurances.

I seem to attract women who are assertive. That's not a criticism, it's just a fact. Lannette is a strong woman as well, and that strength has enabled her to enter Hell and emerge intact. She is very good at setting personal boundaries, and I am not. My skills are inadequate in that regard, though I'm working on them.

The danger for me lies in treating this relationship as I did my prior marriages; in any event, whether Lannette and I marry or not, I need to make sure that I stand my ground on issues that are important to me, and honor her boundaries on issues that are important to her. I'm well aware that boundaries I set may conflict with boundaries that she sets, and I think she's aware of that too. She assures me, however, that even if my boundaries make her angry at times, they won't eclipse the love she feels for me.

When I set boundaries in my prior two marriages, I felt they were ignored; the activities that caused me to set the boundaries continued, and I felt I had no other choice but to leave those relationships. It's not that way in this relationship. Lannette recognizes a boundary when I set one, and does her best to honor it, even if she's angry. I'm not used to that, and I'm afraid I will slip back into my old peacekeeping habits.

Here's the kicker: If I don't continue to learn how to set my own boundaries, I will doom the relationship, whether we get married or not. Lack of boundaries breeds resentment, and that will poison any relationship. I want this relationship to succeed, and that means expressing myself when I'm unhappy or if I feel my personal boundaries have been crossed, even if it leads to temporary conflict. It means facing my fears of loss and rejection and working toward true compromise when in conflict, rather than compromising only my side, as I have done in the past. By making sure that both of our needs are met as much as possible, the relationship will remain balanced and successful, the attraction will endure, and I will finally be able to focus on my strengths, rather than my inadequacies.