Garage Sales & Source Enlightenment

Today I picked up a bunch of great books at a garage sale, including another copy of Ellison’s Angry Candy, Datlow’s Alien Sex anthology, several issues of Glimmer Train, a Leslie Marmon Silko book, the screenplay and director’s journal for Darren Aronofsky’s p(Pi), and Philip Toshio Sudo’s Zen Sex, the companion volume to Zen Guitar, which I reviewed on this website. My friend Dave also went to that garage sale, and purchased The Collected Stories of Philip K. Dick, Volume I. I saw him walking down the sidewalk, and asked if they had anything good at the sale.

“They did. But it’s yours, now. Happy early birthday present.” He handed me the book.

Thanks, Dave. 🙂

In the afternoon, I watched the Broncos-Rams game, glad to see that Brian Griese pulled through for the team. I get sick of the media hounding him, and it was nice to see him prove — again — that he’s a world class quarterback. During the game, I told my wife that I was going to either write or critique stories tonight, and that’s exactly what I did, after losing a close game of Literati to her. I beat her sister, though. (It’s strange to play a game over the Internet with someone who’s in the next room, but by doing so, we were also able to play with her sister in Phoenix. Pretty cool!)

I worked on “Chesterfield Gray,” getting into the swing of it by revising the three pages I had written before. I then continued for another page and a half, fact-checking WWII on the Internet as I went. I still didn’t know where the story was going, or why a WWII story was coming out, but I made a passing reference to Kamikaze attacks, and started exploring the main male character to see what made him tick. I decided that he had seen real death, and it had affected him deeply, and got to wondering which battles would be the most likely for him to have been in. I wanted it to be a battle where ships were known to have been directly hit by Kamikaze pilots, and the only ship that I knew off the top of my head had been hit was the U.S.S. Saratoga. She was badly damaged near Iwo Jima in 1945, with seven direct hits by Japanese aircraft. Three of those direct hits were Kamikaze strikes.

I know this because I dug out the obituary for my Uncle Wayne Johnson, who passed away in July. He was on the Saratoga on February 21, 1945, and was one deck below a direct Kamikaze hit. He spent the next ten days in a Hawaiian hospital, getting a glass eye and reconstructive surgery.

As I was reading the obituary, it hit me why I am writing this story. It’s my way of grieving for and paying tribute to my Uncle Wayne. Of course, the events in the story will only be tangential to his life, but I understand now why the story is coming out of me. I have a direction, now, and I can work on shaping the story into something worthy of his memory.

Wayne (sitting) and Lyle Johnson, brothers.  Cutter, New Mexico, March 2002
Photo © Stace Johnson, all rights reserved.

Hypocrisy

We detest it in our politicians. We expose it in our enemies. We scorn religious leaders because of it. And yet, we deny that it exists within ourselves.

The common definition of hypocrisy is “saying one thing and doing another.” The American Heritage Dictionary states that it is “the professing of beliefs or virtues one does not possess.” Whether we like it or not, I believe most of us are hypocritical occasionally, often without realizing it. How many of us have talked about helping the homeless and then lied about having spare change when approached on the street? I know I have, but rationalization comes to my rescue: “Another buck toward the price of a bottle. That’s not helping him.” There may or may not be truth to that rationalization; I never take the time to find out. This is not the right thing to do, but I have done it anyway. There have been times I have given change, as well.

Are all my hypocritical acts wrong? Frankly, I think it depends on the mood I am in, and I suspect mood and circumstances have more to do with hypocrisy than we might think. It is possible to make a statement or commitment with all good intentions, then later say something entirely different due to a change in the situation or mood. For example, when I was still in secondary school, my best friend and I promised that we would always seek each other’s advice when we were in a bind. This continued without fail for years, until I found a woman that I decided I was going to marry. I started confiding in her more than my friend, and when he confronted me about it, I explained that I would be spending the rest of my life with this woman (or so I thought) and that I felt I obligated to share the most important things in my life with her first. My statement was the beginning of several years’ stress and distance in our friendship.

Were my actions hypocritical? Strictly speaking, yes. Were they understandable? Again, yes, but not necessarily from the viewpoint of the person hurt by them. My situation had changed since we had made those childhood promises and my responsibilities changed with it, so I had to do what I thought was right, despite the pain I knew it would cause. Sometimes, it is necessary to reverse position and risk hypocrisy in order to maintain your own integrity!

This does not mean that hypocrisy should be used as a weapon. It may result from a decision, but should not be the force behind it. When it is, rationalizations or excuses are almost sure to be present. “I said this, but it does not apply to me for X reason” is a dangerous statement to make, and the motives behind it must be carefully scrutinized before we make it. One method I use for determining whether my rationalization has gotten out of control is to pretend that I am someone else watching me make this statement. Does it fit with the person I want to be known as? Are the reasons compelling to someone outside my position, or do they look like justifications for other action? Do my actions seem childish? By separating myself from the situation for a moment, I gain some distance and get a better perspective so I can decide whether to go ahead with a seemingly hypocritical decision. I try to remember that reason is an ally, but rationalizations can lead to grave mistakes.

Of course, I may just be trying to convince myself of all this ….

(I am happy to report that my friend and I finally put the distance behind us and are now as close as ever, despite the fact that our primary confidants are now our spouses.)

The Zone

Athletes speak of it often. Musicians claim they are inspired by it. Writers claim their works write themselves from within it. Mystics have prophetic visions while bathed in its light. Martial artists draw unforseen strength and prowess from it.

Somewhere deep inside the mind is a doorway to a place where time does not exist, where actions flow without the burden of thought. The body becomes a conduit for energy that seemingly comes from nowhere and translates into beauty, strength, grace and intracacy. This place is called The Zone.

I have no doubt that such a place exists; I have watched others while immersed in The Zone and seen profound changes in their actions and attitudes. I have even been lucky enough to be there a couple of times. In this essay, I will attempt to describe both what I have observed in others and what I have felt on my own occasions

Several years ago, I went to a late night jam session at a small club in Durango, Colorado. The club was empty but for a few people sitting at the little tables. Because of the low turnout for the jam, the house band spent a lot of time onstage that night. At one point, they launched into a slow, instrumental twelve-bar blues. The guitarist, a quiet Texan named Peter Neds, eased into the solo, playing mainly standard blues licks and runs. Somewhere near the middle of the solo, he slipped into The Zone, and the music began playing him. His solo encompassed every guitar trick I had ever seen and a few more, the entire time conveying a sense of pain and loss that only a slow blues can do. He was not merely stringing together stock phrases; the solo was a living structure, interconnected and sobbing with sorrow. After more than ten minutes, the music began to change back into stock phrases and hooks, spiraling down from the heights it had attained. Peter was coming out of The Zone. To this day, I have never seen anyone short of Stevie Ray Vaughan equal the intensity and emotion of that guitar solo.

I have hoped over the years that I would be able to attain that kind of kinship with my instrument, and have had brief glimpses of it from time to time while I am playing, but never have I been blessed with an experience such as that one.

In an entirely different environment, I have seen a close friend enter The Zone. I went to watch her test for her black belt in Tang Soo Do, a style of Korean karate. The test was grueling, yet she seemed to settle in to it with ease and grace. I realized she was fully in The Zone when she displayed her forms, however. One form in particular showcased the grace and beauty of Tang Soo Do; it was a long, slow form that nearly traversed the length of the dojo, and it seemed to be based very strongly in energy manipulation. As she passed in front of me, I saw the faraway look in her eyes and realized that she was on another level. Her body was responding to the energy so fully that I could almost see the power flow around her, in and out of her lungs and muscles. She was an incredible balance of grace and power, and I gained a great amount of respect for her abilities that afternoon. Of course, she passed the black belt test easily.

The closest I have come to that kind of experience was during a sonic meditation in Phoenix. I went mainly out of curiosity, but left convinced that meditation in general is a strong way to tune in to The Zone. The process involved lying in a darkened room while the facilitator manipulated various sound producing objects, from simple blocks of wood to Tibetan bells to a very large gong. I had no problem relaxing into the meditation and allowing visuals to form in my mind’s eye, but I was not in The Zone at that point. When the Tibetan bells started, I was astounded at the clarity of sound and was unable to focus on anything else. I started letting go of my own perception of reality. Then, the gong started slowly and quietly. The facilitator knew the gong well, and was able to get widely varying sounds by hitting it in different places and different ways, making a gradual crescendo. By the time the gong was sounding at its peak, I literally felt that every wave of sound was a physical medium that rocked my body as if I were in a boat. I had the sensation of floating and, later, flying for an unknown length of time. At some point in my mental journey, the facilitator began the sequence of sounds to bring us back, and when I returned to my body (I can’t describe it in any other way!) it was completely slack and relaxed. Moving my body took several minutes of great effort, starting with clenching and relaxing my fist and working through the rest of my body. I’m not sure where I went, but I know I had the sensation of flying and floating and that I was not aware of the state my physical body was in. It was a bit frightening, but also invigorating for me. I think this was an extreme example of The Zone; perhaps beyond it, because usually being in The Zone requires maintaining some contact with your body in order to channel the energy. All of my energy was directed somewhere other than my body, as evidenced by the extreme relaxed state that it was in when I woke.

It would be nice to be able to enter The Zone whenever I wanted to. I have experimented with various types of meditation and have had limited success, but it has never been reliable for me. I have a theory that it is possible to enter The Zone through any type of disciplined action or practice: sports, martial arts, music, meditation, prayer are all examples of pathways to The Zone. Some people who are extremely good at what they do seem to be able to call it forth on command. I strongly suspect that they are all tapping into the same energy source through different methods. If anyone else has thoughts on this matter, I would be interested to hear your comments. Let me know how you feel on this matter, whether you agree or disagree.

It Could Have Been a Masterpiece

It Could Have Been a Masterpiece

for Greg Lazrus

Ten short years
The Artist leaned into his tottering
Old easel, drawing graphite
Shapes and lines of a boy.

Ten years more
The Artist mixed colors on his palette,
Coaxing from oils
Shades and hues of a man.

As the portrait neared completion,
The Artist, as artists will do,
Scrubbed the canvas with
Turpentine.

— Stace Johnson, 1987