“You Democrats won’t go to heaven.”

“What?”

“With the ideals you have, you won’t be allowed into heaven when you die.”

“Are you for real?”

“Yes, I mean it.  Democrats lack strong values, and without them, they can’t have eternal salvation.”

“That’s ridiculous.  How can you equate a person’s political beliefs with … with eligibility for ascension?”

“It’s simple.  If you don’t live a righteous life, you can’t come in.”

“And if I’m not a Republican, I don’t live a righteous life?”

“Exactly.  Only Republican values are in line with God’s word.”

“Since when is St. Peter a hard-line Republican?”